Sunday, 13 April 2014

Residents praise 'thoughtful, selfless' Santander

Wandsworth residents were celebrating last night after Santander's newly opened High Street branch promised to continue dumping vast containers of rancid rubbish behind the bank on Chapel Yard.

Santander's much-praised Wandsworth branch

The much-loved financial institution's arrival in the borough earlier this year was heralded as a sign that Wandsworth would soon be rivalling the City of London and Canary Wharf in terms of financial prowess. Smart young men in pin-striped suits were seen marching to work every morning, and later quaffing costly glasses of champagne in the exclusive Spread Eagle pub as they celebrated their six-figure bonuses.

And in an indication that Santander had only the community's very best interests at heart, the bank started to leave enormous overflowing containers of rubbish from the branch in Chapel Yard, just a stone's throw from Eye HQ in the very heart of the borough.

Santander rubbish 'attractively displayed'

Ungrateful local residents who asked Santander to remove the filthy mess next to their homes were rewarded with a special handwritten card from Branch Manager Sandra Hart, who spoke of her deep sorrow at the negative reaction to the bank's "wast bins" in Chapel Yard.

Deep sorrow over wast bins

But frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer was the embarrassed victim of a misunderstanding as she hobbled into the branch to complain. "I almost fell over them bins as I was on me way to buy cat food and custard creams from Frobisher's Grocery Emporium," she explained. "So I went in the bank and gave 'em a right telling off. But imagine how shame-faced I was when the kindly manager told me them bins was a display of trendy modern art, generously sponsored by Santander."

Last night community figures were queuing up to praise Santander's thoughtful, selfless deeds. Octavia Belle-Wether, chair of the Pretty Wandsworth Committee, said: "These installations may look like great big piles of rotting rubbish to ordinary folk, but you and I know that what we have here is something to rival the Bankside Tate, the Guggenheim and even - dare I say it - the touching displays of children's artwork at Southside Shopping Centre. Hurrah for Santander for beautifying this once grim, menacing neighbourhood."

A source close to Santander explained that the bank was keen to give something back to the community among whom it toiled. "Our managers have similar art installations in their gardens," she explained. "We really felt it was unfair for high-flying Santander executives such as Ms Hart to live in leafy luxury, while inner city folk were doomed to dwell among discarded chicken nugget cartons and the like." 

A typical Santander manager's back garden 

Tuesday, 4 February 2014

WANDSWORTH'S FIG ROLL FURY

There was outrage on the streets of Wandsworth last night as angry residents demanded that the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's rescind a brutal 9.1% hike in the price of own-brand fig rolls. The much-loved teatime treats, which had been on sale for 55p a packet, now cost an astonishing 60p, putting them well beyond the meagre budgets of frugal pensioners.

"For many vulnerable OAPs, this will be the final blow," warned Millicent Bumbleberry of Wandsworth Age Concern. "Their choice is now a bleak but simple one: to eat fig rolls, or to heat their homes. They can no longer do both at these hyperinflationary prices."

Sainsbury's much-loved teatime treats 'now too costly for pensioners'

Kindly WandsworthEye, always a doughty champion of consumer rights, intervened at an early stage in the burgeoning controversy. But to no avail. A Sainsbury's minion writing under the pseudonym "Natalie" callously brushed aside the Eye's concerns and instead referred the influential community leader to a dreary page of corporate propaganda.


Callous "Natalie" of Sainsbury's breezily brushes aside the Eye's concerns

A spokesman for WandsworthEye commented: "The notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's has already provoked the ire of the neighbourhood on more than one occasion. First it was Soviet-style empty shelves over Christmas, then the introduction of demented escalator safety announcements, and now Weimar Republic-style fig roll prices. Truly there is no end to their devious machinations." 

A source close to Sainsbury's was quoted last night suggesting that thrifty pensioners could purchase cheaper own-brand custard creams instead. "Much better for the digestion," the insider revealed. 

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Messy Bulgarian gypsies 'already causing mayhem in Wandsworth'

There were mounting fears of mayhem on the streets of Wandsworth tonight as reports came in of the first Bulgarian and Romanian gypsies arriving in the borough. According to well-placed sources, "at least half a dozen" greedy eastern Europeans were spotted landing at Luton airport this morning with suitcases stuffed full of severed goats' heads and lucky heather. "There's no doubt at all that some of them could potentially be heading for Wandsworth High Street," said a Daily Express journalist as he carefully prepared his calm, measured, non-judgmental report for tomorrow's Special Souvenir Edition. "In no time at all, messy Bulgarian gypsies will be taking all our jobs, claiming every last penny of our benefits, and causing house prices to plummet and frail elderly people to have fatal heart attacks. And they'll drop litter everywhere too."

A typical Bulgarian gypsy threatens families on Wandsworth High Street
Here in Wandsworth, fearful residents barricaded themselves into their homes as word came of the first Bulgarian crones to set foot in the once respectable streets of SW18. "I definitely saw one just get off the 170 bus," said Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the borough's better chicken shops. "She was speaking in a strange foreign accent, but I'm sure I heard her mutter under her breath that she was determined to ruthlessly milk the UK benefits system, have lots of elective surgery at NHS hospitals and keep smelly animals in her back yard to the consternation of all her neighbours. Oh WandsworthEye, what shall we do?"

Litter 'bound to have been dropped by foreigners'
As fears rose of apocalyptic community meltdown, local religious leaders pleaded for calm. The Reverend Benny Savile, chairman of the Anti-Lust Alliance, said: "Despite the severed goats' heads and the lucky heather, these poor people are just like you and me. Let us all welcome them into the bosom of our community. Take your lead from WandsworthEye, whose tweets have long been famed for their wisdom and tolerance."

Frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer reminisced: "It's just like the war, when all them Huguenots came over from Switzerland. I remember it like it were yesterday. William Gladstone was Queen, and custard creams cost thruppence ha'penny a baker's dozen in Frobisher's Grocery Emporium. Now they're £10.99 a packet at the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's. Eee, I don't know how I cope on me pension anymore..."

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

CRISIS OVER 'IRRESPONSIBLE' NEW WANDSWORTH CO-OP


  • No planning permission for garish green balloons
  • Pensioners in peril in narrow aisles
  • Sweets, cakes and chocolates 'will cause obesity explosion'

There were mounting calls last night for Wandsworth's glamorous new Co-operative store to be bulldozed down amid a litany of complaints about the retailer's "irresponsible" behaviour. The new food outlet, conveniently situated on the corner of Buckhold Road and Chapel Yard, is but a stone's throw from Eye HQ in the very heart of Wandsworth. 

Frail pensioner in peril 
However, within hours of its long-awaited opening on Monday morning, officials at the South-West London Health & Safety Inspectorate were convening emergency sessions of their much-feared Resilience Committee to address mounting concerns over the garish green balloons surrounding the store's entrance.

"So far as we can ascertain, no planning permission was secured for the balloons in question," explained Bertram Crudd, Stakeholder Engagement Supervisor at the SWLHSI. "This wilful disregard of due procedure casts a very poor light on the social responsibility of the Co-operative Group. Coming so soon after the shameless shenanigans of rampant Reverend Flowers, we believe the entire organisation should now be disbanded."

Pensioners' campaign groups were also aghast at the 'confusing' store entrance and warned that frail old folk could get their walking sticks caught up in the plethora of balloons. Local resident Doris Elzheimer, one of the first customers to visit the new store on Monday morning, said: "It's a right mess, I don't know how I'm going to get me buggy in there. Them aisles are too narrow 'n all. It reminds me of that time a tin of corned beef fell on Mabel Drearie's head in Frobisher's Grocery Emporium back in 1939. Those were the days. It were just after William Gladstone became Queen. Eee, I remember it like it were yesterday."

Sweets 'so dangerous for health'
Meanwhile, slim middle-class shoppers complained that much of the retail space in the lavish new store appeared to be dominated by sweets, cakes, chocolates and other unhealthy fare. "I came in here for some organic low-cal celery and diet mineral water," explained glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, "but nowhere are they to be found. Instead, the entire place seems reminiscent of the Elephant & Castle Tesco - not that I've ever been there."

Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the district's better chicken shops, sighed as she struggled to squeeze past pasty-faced mothers with cumbersome pushchairs. "Even the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's attracts a better class of customer," she said. "I know WandsworthEye always warns so trenchantly of Garratt Lane's many failings, but I for one will continue to shop there. I do love the constant announcements telling us how to use the new escalator. So handy."

Garish offers 'will attract chavs'
WandsworthEye wishes its phalanx of devoted followers a Merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous 2014.   


Monday, 11 November 2013

Borough 'will starve to death when Sainsbury's closes'

Charities, church and local government organisations were hurriedly preparing contingency plans last night as fears rose of widespread famine throughout SW18 when notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's closes its doors on November 19.

The callous store, whose endless refit has already driven many of WandsworthEye's followers to the brink of despair, will be shut for over a week during the key pre-festive shopping period, forcing respectable citizens to dice with death at Poundland and other nearby retail outlets. 

Notorious store announces callous closure

"I don't know what I'm going to do," wept frail pensioner Ethel Dumpton. "Where'm I gonna get me cat food and me custard creams?"

Her friend Doris Elzheimer recalled: "It'll be just like when Frobisher's grocery stores had to close when a bomb dropped on it in World War Two. I remember it like it were yesterday. It were just after Mr Gladstone came to open the new branch of Asda down Clapham Junction way..."

As public health bodies scrambled to deal with the expected borough-wide famine, there were calls for WandsworthEye to provide an emergency soup kitchen featuring its much-loved Liver Dumpling Broth. A spokesman at Eye HQ said this option would indeed be considered - though there was concern that the kindly service might be abused by local tramps and vagabonds.

With the clock ticking down to the fateful day of November 19, panic-stricken customers stripped the shelves of Garratt Lane Sainsbury's even barer than they usually are. Choice morsels including tins of Sainsbury's own brand chicken curry were proving especially popular as the borough hunkered down for the cold, harsh winter.

Some of the lavish products for sale at plush Garratt Lane Sainsbury's

"Oh WandsworthEye, what shall we do?" cried glamorous socialite Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest as she spent her last pennies on some of the tempting fare on display. "If only the Liberal Democrats hadn't been let into government, things would all be so much better. Let us heed the wise words of WandsworthEye and ignore the siren voices Clegg and Cable!" 

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Eye 'set to be the new Nigel Slater'

The Eye's phalanx of devoted followers were overjoyed last night as Wandsworth's trenchant community leader received fulsome endorsement from much-loved TV chef Nigel Slater.

WandsworthEye has long been famed throughout SW18 for tweeting incisively about matters of local, national and global import. But in an exciting new departure, the Chapel Yard scribe has now begun sharing details of his hearty home cooking with his burgeoning army of avid followers.

And in a stunning development this week, culinary king Nigel Slater took to social media to admit that the Eye was now on the verge of usurping his own position as the nation's number one expert in frugal fare:


Eye followers were delighted by Slater's intervention and urged their trenchant leader to take the TV star's advice and grow a rakish beard. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a chicken shop on Wandsworth High Street, said: "This is the endorsement we've all been waiting for! Oh do grow a lusty beard, sagacious Eye, and please divulge your secret recipe for Bavarian-style liver dumpling broth!"

Thursday, 10 October 2013

Opera studio's rage at 'slovenly' neighbours

The opera studio: magnet for borough's high society 

Wandsworth was in uproar last night as sources close to the National Opera Studio lambasted its 'slummy' neighbours and warned that the much-loved institution might have to relocate to a more salubrious district.

The Opera Studio, whose premises lie but a stone's throw from Eye HQ in Chapel Yard, has long been a magnet for the borough's high society.

Glamorous socialites including Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, Octavia Belle-Wether and Tarquinetta Tiara-Tempest are often to be seen at the studio's A-list champagne receptions, mingling with key local councillors and other important figures.

But angry opera singers are now said to be threatening to boycott the studio's popular lunchtime recitals. According to one well-placed source, Chapel Yard has just become "too manky" for the superstars in recent months.

"There's always been a problem in this area with people thoughtlessly dropping fried chicken cartons into the gutter," she explained. "But then we had workmen in dirty overalls starting to loiter in the yard smoking cigarettes. And when a slovenly, chaotic family moved into the apartment block opposite our building, that was the final straw for many. They said Chapel Yard had become just as common as Romford."

The slovenly family's higgledy-piggledy balcony
The Opera Studio's harsh words were echoed by many in the once august, dignified neighbourhood. Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above a nearby chicken shop, said: "I for one would not be seen dead in Chapel Yard. Those manky people who've strewn their lovely balcony with all manner of ghastly clutter should hang their heads in shame."

And frail pensioner Doris Elzheimer concurred wholeheartedly. "It used to be so lovely round here," she recalled, with tears coming to her eyes. "I remember when Mr Gladstone opened the village fete in 1924, it was just after Mrs Thatcher came to power. Ooh them miners and that General Galtieri, they were an 'orrible lot they were. We never liked them."

Back at the National Opera Studio, there was speculation last night that much-loved Italian mezzo-soprano Esmerelda Borlotti-Pappardelle might cancel her forthcoming recital, solely because of the wicked dishevelled ways of Chapel Yard's slovenly denizens.

"It's absolutely heartbreaking," wailed one source. "We've gone to all this trouble to get rid of the pooing pigeons and now there's this horrid manky family living opposite. If only we'd listened to the wise, prescient words of WandsworthEye, who warned that no good would ever come of letting the LibDems into government."