CRISIS OVER 'IRRESPONSIBLE' NEW WANDSWORTH CO-OP

• No planning permission for garish green balloons
• Pensioners in peril in narrow aisles
• Sweets, cakes and chocolates 'will cause obesity explosion'

There were mounting calls last night for Wandsworth's glamorous new Co-operative store to be bulldozed down amid a litany of complaints about the retailer's "irresponsible" behaviour. The new food outlet, conveniently situated on the corner of Buckhold Road and Chapel Yard, is but a stone's throw from Eye HQ in the very heart of Wandsworth. 

Frail pensioner in peril 

However, within hours of its long-awaited opening on Monday morning, officials at the South-West London Health & Safety Inspectorate were convening emergency sessions of their much-feared Resilience Committee to address mounting concerns over the garish green balloons surrounding the store's entrance.

"So far as we can ascertain, no planning permission was secured for the balloons in question," explained Bertram Crudd, Stakeholder Engagement Supervisor at the SWLHSI. "This wilful disregard of due procedure casts a very poor light on the social responsibility of the Co-operative Group. Coming so soon after the shameless shenanigans of rampant Reverend Flowers, we believe the entire organisation should now be disbanded."

Pensioners' campaign groups were also aghast at the 'confusing' store entrance and warned that frail old folk could get their walking sticks caught up in the plethora of balloons. Local resident Doris Elzheimer, one of the first customers to visit the new store on Monday morning, said: "It's a right mess, I don't know how I'm going to get me buggy in there. Them aisles are too narrow 'n all. It reminds me of that time a tin of corned beef fell on Mabel Drearie's head in Frobisher's Grocery Emporium back in 1939. Those were the days. It were just after William Gladstone became Queen. Eee, I remember it like it were yesterday."

Sweets 'so dangerous for health'

Meanwhile, slim middle-class shoppers complained that much of the retail space in the lavish new store appeared to be dominated by sweets, cakes, chocolates and other unhealthy fare. "I came in here for some organic low-cal celery and diet mineral water," explained glamorous socialite Tamara Parker-Bicyclette, "but nowhere are they to be found. Instead, the entire place seems reminiscent of the Elephant & Castle Tesco - not that I've ever been there."

Marguerita Ponsonby-Smythe, who dwells above one of the district's better chicken shops, sighed as she struggled to squeeze past pasty-faced mothers with cumbersome pushchairs. "Even the notorious Garratt Lane Sainsbury's attracts a better class of customer," she said. "I know WandsworthEye always warns so trenchantly of Garratt Lane's many failings, but I for one will continue to shop there. I do love the constant announcements telling us how to use the new escalator. So handy."

Garish offers 'will attract chavs'

WandsworthEye wishes its phalanx of devoted followers a Merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous 2014.